5 Conversations you have to have with your child: Podcast Notes

Great to have Tim Smith, the family coach on the podcast today.  If you want to get in touch with Tim, here’s his contact information.


Here is a quick link to some of Tim’s books on Amazon

My favorite book Tim wrote is called The Relaxed Parent.  It’s no longer in print but you can find it on Amazon on the following link

You’ll do anything for your kids
You’ll drive them anywhere
You’ll spend hours cooking for your kids
You’ll listen to your children no matter how long and boring the story is. .
Parents’s will clean anything, cook anything, wipe anything all to stay in relationship with their kid.

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6

“Daddy, sing the super duper pooper song.” So here he is, in the restroom at Red Lobster singing, “You are a super dooper pooper.”

We sacrifice with them, spend time with them, tell them we love them, we hug and kiss them all in hopes of maintaining that influence on their life and then when we’ve got them in a place where they will listen, these are the messages we tell them.
When you brush make sure it’s up and down not side to side
Don’t talk with your mouth full
Don’t sit too close to the tv
Don’t make that face or it will freeze that way
Wipe, wipe wipe yourself, always front to back, carefully, carefully, now you have the knack.

When you consider most of the things we say to our children it is not inconceivable that you could raise a child who cleans his room, flosses daily, and had good table manners, but uses drugs gets stoned and gets his girlfriend pregnant.

So today we are going to talk about five conversations you have to have with your child.

1) I accept you for who you are

You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16

This is a message God wants all of us to hear. I know you. I created you and you are wonderfully made. Your body. Your personality. Your strengths. Even your weaknesses. You were created by God just the way you are and you are usable by God just the way you are. Do you know anyone who doesn’t need to hear that? If we all knew that truth in the depth of our soul think what it would do to our insecurity. Think how it would boost our confidence. That’s the message we need to be giving our children and our spouse and our friends on a regular basis.

Let’s take a closer look at the words wonderfully made. Underline them. The hebrew word for wonderfully made is the word paw-law. It means to be distinct, separated, distinquished. In other words, your child was made by God to be his or her own unique individual.

“Dad, I have to finish my math homework. You can’t make me not finish my homework.”

2) It’s not all about you

Most parents have a secret goal for their children. I want my children to grow up, get a good education, then land a good paying job so that they can take care of their family. There is only one problem with this way of thinking. It doesn’t lead to happiness.

The world values survey has been carried out in at least 90 countries covering all six continents and representing 80% of the world’s population. It’s been carried out measuring over 800 variables across more than 270,000 people. It detailed which countries had the happiest people. Would you guess that the happiest country is somewhere in north america or western europe? Most people would say yes, but they’ve be wrong. Here is the top four. Nigeria, Mexico, Venezuela and El Salvador. Not one of the worlds wealthiest nations managed to crack the top four. Any guesses where the US landed. Number 16.

“Because there is always someone who has more than we have, the constant shuffle becomes a source of pressure that leads not to happiness but to envy, anxiety and stress.” Me to We.

So my goal for my children has changed. It’s not success. It’s service.

The greatest among you will be your servant. For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. Matthew 23:11,12

3) Make wise decisions with your sexuality

From Tims book “Almost Cool.” Tim quotes a study done by Sharon White and Richard DeBlassie that says “Most teens want their parents to share sexual knowledge, opinions, beliefs and attitudes with them. Yet only 15 percent say that their parents are a major source of this information.”

The Sex Talk in three steps

1. Share with your children early and often about sex starting between ages 8 and 10.

“Yeah, I just had the big ‘Clean Your Room’ talk with Jimmy. I won’t have to ask him to clean his room again.” “I just had the big ‘brush your teeth’ talk with Ellen.”

2. Give them the basics on how things work.

Have your wife do it. I remember a conversation my wife had with one of our kids about sex. She detailed how it worked and how sex leads to babies to which our child said, “You mean you did that three times?” To which my wife said, “Well, we’ve done it more than three times.” Then our child said, “Have you done it recently?”

3. Give them God’s gold standard on sexuality.

1. Your body is custom designed by God (Psalm 139:13-15)
2. Your body isn’t your own, it’s God’s temple (I Corinthians 6:18-20)
3. Keep the temple pure and clean (2 Timothy 2:22)
4. Be prepared to be challenged for taking a stand for purity (I Peter 4:1-5)
5. God’s way is a way of blessings and no regrets (Ephesians 5:25-33)

4) You don’t have to be perfect

Tim talk about the perfectionism epidemic

Let me read you some characteristics of children who are extreme perfectionists:
• being self-critical, self-conscious and easily embarrassed; 
• having strong feelings of inadequacy and low self-confidence; 
• exhibiting persistent anxiety about making mistakes; 
• procrastinating and avoiding stressful situations or difficult tasks; 
• being emotionally guarded and socially inhibited; 
• experiencing headaches or other physical ailments when they perform below the expectations of themselves or others.
“Would it be legal for me to run around the block in my speedo?”

Tim Kimmel in his book “Grace Based Parenting” put it like this. “My advice to parents who’s friends criticize them for having different kids: Get new friends. It’s easier than trying to get new children. Besides you’ll probably be better off.”

5) Put God at the center of your life

These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6:6-9

Can you sit, can you walk, can you lie down, can you get up. If you can do those things you can talk to your kids about God